Lifestyle · Random Thoughts

Little Girl / Big Girl

So for the past month or so T and I have tapered off even more. Largely due to me- I needed to focus on my marriage and wasn’t feeling well mentally. I don’t have the energy to follow rules and even talk everyday. 

T has been very understanding of course, but he says he misses me.

We went a few days without talking and I was honestly fine. I realized at some point that I haven’t felt little in about two months. No bubble baths, no coloring…just focusing on getting through each fight, conversation and marriage counseling session alive. Oh…and work. And being sick.

I should take a bubble bath, I thought. But there was no desire behind the thought to motivate me. What the heck?

I realized that I needed to check up on T and see how he was coping. I mentioned I felt rudderless and…well, weird

“I really miss you,” he wrote back. “I feel like something is missing.”

I can understand. There’s this void but it’s not a normal void. I’m having a hard time describing it. I can get up and adult just fine. I can laugh. I can talk with friends. But life doesn’t feel as sweet.

After I wrote him back, an energy hit me. Suddenly I wanted to bounce on the bed, giggle and call him ‘Daddy’. I wanted to ask a ton of questions that have been floating around in my head about random stuff, and make silly jokes and just… breathe.   

The sudden shift of mood scared me a bit. What the hell was wrong with me? Was my reaction normal? Why was I okay not talking to him? 

For the record, I didn’t do any of that stuff I wanted to do. Husband and I are trying to reconcile and he’s asked me not to play online. 

So I haven’t and won’t. 

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