Daddy says I can smell bullshit a mile away. I’m inclined to agree.
One of the main pain points of my relationship with my husband is that he’s a stubborn bullshitter. I tell all of the men in my life to just be honest with me. Tell me what you want, and I can work with that. They’re so scared of losing me that they lie, but it never works. And once we get to the point that I have to beg you to be honest…well. You’ve already lost me.
I’m beginning to understand that it takes a certain strength to be honest about what you want…and not everyone has that strength.
It’s annoying as fuck. And for a relationship such as marriage, completely illogical.
Husband and I had marriage counseling tonight. For the past month, he’s been the complete model spouse. He’s gone from ignoring me and my needs to bending over backwards to make sure I’m taken care of. It’s very off putting and totally not what I wanted. I wanted (and still want) for him to be happy. I wanted an active sex life. I wanted him to remember that we (him and I) have to make each other a priority…but that doesn’t mean we have to lose our individualism. It seems right now that Husband is scared of losing me and is just doing whatever he thinks I want him to do to keep me.
That makes me sad. I didn’t want any of this.
So off to counseling we go. Last week’s homework was for Husband to list out his fantasies. It’s come to light that he’s having an extremely hard time talking about sex and didn’t really know how to express his fantasies (if he had any). So the therapist asked him to list ten fantasies he frequently thought about. We were also supposed to create hypothetical rules that would apply if he and I were to engage in a D/s relationship.
He began reading his fantasies, very proud that he did his homework. Unfortunately, I had the sinking feeling that he was just repeating what we as a couple had done (at my request) in the past. The therapist caught on to it as well. For example, Husband listed ‘roleplay’ as one of his, but couldn’t specify what type of roleplay he liked. It was extremely frustrating for me and painful for him.
The therapist asked about our list of rules. We hadn’t done them. I refuse to be the pusher anymore. I’m too tired to do it.
We finally came to the conclusion that he’s more of a switch in the bedroom, leaning more to the submissive side. It was like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders! I kept expressing how it was totally okay for him to be who he was, and that I loved him no matter what. He has a long journey ahead of him to embracing his sexuality.
But we stalled when I told him that I wasn’t ready to enter into a D/s relationship with him again. I don’t trust him right now–part of the appeal of being a Dom is that you’re comfortable in your own skin (for the most part). Husband is not (right now). And he struggles with follow through. Also, he’s said in the past that he doesn’t get the DD/lg thing, he’s not interested in telling me what to do (“You know you’re supposed to eat, so just do it!”), etc. All of these statements tell me that he’s not able to be the Dominant I need.
Also, this is totally selfish but I’ve been blossoming under Daddy and I don’t want to give that up.
Husband said he doesn’t want me to play online anymore. He’s possessive of me and doesn’t want another man talking to me at all. He swears he can be the Dom I need, but I don’t believe or trust him.
So we’re now at a crossroads. What does one do when both partners are submissive, one isn’t truly interested in Domming the other, and both are unwilling to bend?
To be continued…