I’m stubborn as shit…well, maybe not as stubborn as Daddy but still I can hold my own.
And I’m really struggling to move past the negative emotions that have built up in my marriage and focus on our future–whatever that holds. My husband is trying and I sincerely appreciate his efforts. I’m trying to work past the “It’s a little too late” mentality that I have right now and see that he truly wants to make things work.
Today, after talking about kink with him, I realized that I was just as much to blame in our breakdown of communication regarding our sex life as he was. Especially when it came to kink. It’s been a journey for both of us. In my case, I totally approached him wrong regarding D/s. Because I didn’t know that it was anything more than a sexual need (read: was in denial), I just told him about the sexy play. As I played with others and entered into therapy (along with doing my own research on Fetlife, going to munches, etc) I learned that it is an emotional need as well as a sexual one. It’s not something that can be ignored or wished away.
When I came to the reluctant terms that it was an emotional need, I attempted to explain it to my husband but he rejected me because the information I was sharing with him made him feel inadequate. And he simply does not understand DD/lg. It’s not his thing.
Instead of talking to me about it, he just clammed up. The more I pushed for conversation and experimentation, the more he pulled away. All forms of sex came to a grinding halt, along with affection, communication about anything relationship wise and showing respect. He felt like he couldn’t share in that part of my life for a variety of reasons (wasn’t interested, did nothing for him, was too hard to learn). It made him feel bad and we entered into a vicious cycle until I exploded.
So our relationship has been shattered. He’s now fighting hard for our marriage, attempting to suddenly be more affectionate, initiate both sex and conversations about D/s, and be more playful (something that had stopped years ago). I’m trying to not wallow in my bitterness and resentment, be mean, and am trying to remain communicative instead of shutting down because its too painful. I’m also still holding up my end of the bargain by not working late and picking up more of the parenting duties at his request.
But I also have to deal with my feelings. For the first time ever, I’m not attracted to him physically. It has to be a mental block, because his looks suddenly haven’t changed. I don’t have a desire to have sex with him. I’m not pining for his touch. I have absolutely no desire to be submissive for him. So I have to work past those feelings if we’re ever to move forward. It’s rough though. Before our blowup, I could sub for both him (in the manner he wanted if he were so inclined) and then get the rest of my needs met via my play with Daddy. Now, I’m simply not interested in interacting with him that way. It’s like I’m broken. And I wonder if I’ll ever get back the desire to sub for him.