Whenever people call me smart, I chuckle. I don’t think I’m smart at all. I certainly have a hard time with things that should be obvious. But you know what they say! Hindsight is 20/20.
It’s been five days since I left home. In that span of time, my husband has been replaced by this super duper attentive, nice husband bot. He’s made an effort to come to bed each night. He planned a very sweet Mother’s Day for me. He hasn’t snapped at me since. He’s touched me more often (holding hands, rubbing my neck). He offered to have sex twice. It wasn’t a passionate ‘I want to rip your clothes off you sexy woman’ but still. That’s a vast improvement over what we’ve had.
His attention feels like water after spending years in the desert. Who knew an affection squeeze on the back of the neck would mean so much???
It’s weird. Because I haven’t changed (I don’t think). I’m the same ole me. And now I feel bad- I don’t want Husband to go out of his way to be nice to me. Why does it have to be extra effort? I don’t want loving me to be a chore. I don’t want affection to be a chore. I don’t want sex to be a chore. I feel guilty for having said anything.
One would argue that he’s trying. He’s trying to fix things. Correct his behavior. That’s a good thing, right?
But I worry that his needs aren’t getting met. He wanted me to come home earlier from work- done. I’ve been home by 6 pm every night since. His only other request so far is that I “spice” things up in the bedroom. But when we went to counseling and the therapist asked what that would look like, he couldn’t give me an answer. So until he develops tools to communicate what “spicing things up” actually means, I have no idea what to do. Also, a huge thing is that I absolutely do not want to have sex with him. He said hurtful things during sex–which is an incredibly vulnerable time.
This weekend, a couple of times he saw me naked. He showed some interest but I wasn’t having it. My body is off limits for the foreseeable future. I don’t feel sexy around him anymore. I don’t feel capable of making him feel good. I feel like crying every time I think about having sex with him.
That’s a dilemma.