Life

Withdrawals

It’s been five days, 11 hours, and 10 minutes since I’ve had strong caffeine.

I went in to the doctor on April 26th and was told that I have a heart  murmur and bursitis in my knee on top of my other usual ailments. I was pretty nonplussed about the murmur until he dropped the bomb that I couldn’t have my usual sugar free Redbull or double espresso shots anymore.

So here I am. Grumpy. Tired. In pain. With a ton of work to be done and absolutely no motivation to do it. I’m in a brain fog (it literally feels like I’m moving in a tunnel) and I’m not sure if it’s from the RA or from the caffeine withdrawal.

That being said, last night I came home after a long day of work, and asked to slow dance with Husband. I love impromptu dance sessions! He agreed and we danced as long as our toddler allowed us to before picking her up and dancing with her. I got a couple of loving kisses from Husband (winning). All was well.

By the end of the night, the kiddo was in bed and we were both exhausted. I asked him to sleep on the couch instead of waking me up in the middle of the night to come to bed since I wasn’t feeling well and needed uninterrupted sleep. He agreed and I joked, “Yeah, you woke me up the other night and I could’ve sworn I heard porn coming from your phone!”

A mask of guilt crossed his face. I gasped. “You were watching porn?

He laughed, nervous. “Well, yeah.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Sometimes a guy just wants to see a big, chocolate booty before he goes to bed.”

I HAVE A BIG CHOCOLATE BOOTY!!”

He gave another nervous laugh. “Well you were asleep.”

I huffed. “I literally proposition you for sex ALL THE TIME and you end up watching porn? What the fuck?”

“You were asleep. What was I supposed to do? Wake you up?”

“To give me some dick? YES!”

We stared at each other and then both laughed it off, unwilling to fight. I went to bed, he slept on the couch. But still, it bothers me. We haven’t had sex in over a week. I’m waiting to see how long it takes. It’s hard, fighting against a dead bedroom. I have to be the one to proposition, to initiate all the time. I have to nag and whine about it…all the time. And if I don’t, we can end up going months without touching each  other. It’s just not as important to him as it is to me. So where does that leave us?

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