Well, we haven’t really broken up per se.
We’re just…slowing down. T-minus 2-3 weeks. It’s bittersweet. Us winding down is much, much better than us going cold turkey. His life is beginning to pick up pace. Over the past week, our everyday, all day chatting has been cut down to a few short messages. Our phone calls on work breaks and drives home haven’t happened. He’s stopped being strict about my rules. The tone of our conversations is friendly, but that power exchange is barely there.
And how am I doing, you ask?
I’m a planner. I knew this was coming. I’ve been bracing myself for the change. Our first go at breaking up was a shock to the system. This one? Not so much. I’ve been keeping busy with writing, my day job, and spending time with my family. I’m having more open conversations with my friends. I’m back in my weekly therapy sessions (not because of this, but just because it’s good for me to go in general). I’m still working on my health- my labs came back and my inflammatory markers were down from 58 to 38. The goal is to get them between 0-20.
I’m saying all of this to say that I’m okay. Really! I mean, my heart still hurts because I’m going to miss our dynamic. He’s been a constant presence and now that consistency will change. I’m going to miss our play. Running to him immediately when I have a problem I can’t figure out because he always has really good advice…
I hope that I stay okay. I’m going to fight to be okay.
What about Husband?
It’s on my mind every day. We’re doing much better, thanks to him allowing me to play. The stress, tension and resentment have subsided. We still have other issues, but we’re actively working on them.
I have his permission, but it still bothers me. It bothers me that he can’t give me what I need. I hold out hope that one day he can be the Dominant I would like for him to be because I love him. But it has to come from him. I can’t force him to be kinky no more than he can force me to be vanilla. I respect his feelings on the matter.
The one thing I am going to try to stay aware of is my stress levels. Kink is a stress release for me. It’s a coping mechanism. It’s important to realize that I’m losing this element in my life but the stress is still there. Working out, staying busy, hanging out with friends…those are all great ways to alleviate some stress. But! It doesn’t replace kink. So I’ll have to figure out a way to incorporate that in my life without a partner.
And I need to stay honest with myself on how I’m doing emotionally. I use this blog and therapy to stay accountable. Emotional check ins are important. I don’t want to end up back in a dark place.
To be continued…