Daddy and I tried to break up a few days ago.
It didn’t go well.
The problem is that we don’t want to break up. But he has a lot of life changes that will be happening (including possibly starting a new job with completely opposite hours to what we’re used to). His changes start next month and we knew this the entire time. We kept saying we would figure it out when the time came…and it’s a month out. So it’s time. Right?
He’s not sure that he’ll be able to give me the attention that I need with these changes. I agree. No need to set either one of us up for failure and frustration. So we tried to say our goodbyes.
The conversation ended with me bawling. Why was this so hard? I mean, yes. We’re two friends who care for each other. And yes. We’re accustomed to talking all day, every day. But the devastation felt deeper than that. I felt like I was falling apart. There was definite panic. He’s been a part of my life for almost a year. What would I do without him?
And we, well rather I, couldn’t just go back to being vanilla friends. I would be too tempted to rely on him as a dominant. But then what if I started to move on? He’s incredibly possessive…would it cause friction in our friendship if another dominant started talking to me? I didn’t want to hurt him.
He didn’t take the conversation well either.
“You don’t understand!” I wailed. “It’s not the same for you. I’ll miss you differently.”
“You’re full of shit,” he growled, voice thick with an emotion I still can’t name.
“You’re full of shit if you think I won’t miss you as much as you will miss me.”
Daddy was on the phone with me while he drove home, and had to pull over to helplessly listen to me weep. I couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do it. We ended up deciding to just revisit where we our in our relationship in a month. Basically, we’re going to wait to see what the changes look like and then make a decision. Right now, we’re enjoying the last few weeks we have left of our usual routine.
By the end of the night, I was numb.
Where do we go from here? How do I enjoy my time with him when I know there’s a definite end? I’m a planner…I needed guidance.
“Daddy, should we pretend to just act normal?”
“Are my rules out of the window?”
“What should I call you now? Your first name? Sir?”
“Daddy is just fine, kitten.”
I was still silently fretting when Daddy interrupted my thoughts with a reminder that I had broken a few rules in my distress.
“In my defense, we were breaking up today!” I begged.
“We didn’t start this conversation until 2 o’clock,” he countered. “You had plenty of time to follow your rules. Plus, you skipped two meals today.”
So I was punished. And at the end of it, I felt a lot better. Sore, but grounded. He had taken me out of my head and refocused me on my submission to him.
The conversation isn’t over. I’m trying not to worry myself over it, but it’s hard. Daddy, for his part, is doing his best to maintain our routine. He says there’s no reason to worry about things out of our control.
To be continued…