I’ve received two life changing gifts in the past two years. One was my daughter, who amazes me every single day. She’s so beautiful and smart and sassy. She’s absolutely perfect and I can’t imagine having another child. I mean, physically I could. And if I did I’d love the second child just as much as my first. But right now? Right now, I can only think that if I never had another kid I’d be okay knowing that I have her.
The second gift was the gift of silence. In my head. When you suffer from anxiety like I do, you spend way too much time trying (and failing) to calm down the torrent of thoughts that swirl around in your head. All. Day. Long. There are good days, of course, when you’re too busy to think and you just go. But those days usually end with me lying in the bed at night, wide awake because my brain won’t shut off.
There’s always this fear that I carry around with me. It doesn’t have a name. Makes absolutely no sense. But it’s there, lingering on me. I’m scared all the time. I put on a brave face and act tough, but that’s all it is. An act.
And it’s frustrating that I can’t shake this fear by myself yet. Nothing I do- meditation, prayer, daily mantras, medication (the meds just dull me). I’ve just learned to let it be a part of me.
When I got with my first master, I was deep in sub frenzy. One of the things that was so intoxicating about him was the way he commanded control. When I talked to him, my focus was on him. Nothing else. No one else. And I didn’t have the ability to be anxious. I didn’t have the time to be anxious. And when we were finished and he sent me off to work or home, I’d be so deep in subspace that I would just float through the rest of my day. No noise in my head. Hell, for the first time in my life I could barely think! (And I’m a girl who is no stranger to drugs and alcohol.) It was bliss.
Of course, now I’m not in sub frenzy and not playing recklessly. But talking to Daddy has that same calming effect I’d grown addicted to with my first master. One night a few weeks ago, he asked me to call him on his way home from work. Up until that time, I had been an emotional wreck (but was trying to play it cool). I was PMSing and with my in laws in town, my anxiety has been sky high. Not to mention my ever present RA pain.
So I perched myself on the edge of my bed, called him, and as we talked I could feel the tension slowly leaving my body. I began to lean back against my pillows and feel the knots of tension in my shoulders ease. I began to yawn in between soft laughter at his silly jokes. Finally, I made my way into a bubble bath and sat talking with him as the hot water plus his voice worked out the rest of my muscle tension. When we hung up my head was clear, my anxiety abated. I ended up falling asleep easily.
I don’t think Daddy realizes how much he helps me with my anxiety. He’s just being him and I love him for it.