A Little Lost

As the kids like to say these days, I’m feeling some kind of way today.

Not submissive at all.

I’ve been sick for the past three weeks. My RA was out of control again and I needed a high dose of steroids plus my usual meds to bring me back. Then, when I was feeling a little better, my doctor added on yet another medication and my body just shut down. I caught an upper respiratory infection and was super sick for about a full week. I could barely make it through each day…but still had to drag myself in to work and then come home to play wife and Mom.

During this time, Daddy has been steadfast. His constant communication certainly helped me during some pretty dark moments when the pain and fatigue were getting to unbearable levels.

Thankfully, the infection went away and I’m back to my normal pain levels (because when you have an autoimmune disease very rarely do you have pain free days). Now that I’m feeling better, I find that I’m restless. Unfocused. I’ve been snarling at my team members which is really unlike me no matter how much pain I’m in. And I’m finding that I’m struggling not to  top my dominant.

Not that he would let me. Trust me, I’ve tried in the past. And I’ve failed in the past. Daddy is not submissive. Nor is he a bottom. Nor is he bothered when a bratty little submissive tries to top him from the bottom.

According to Daddy, I’m just testing my boundaries. And it’s his job to make sure I remember who’s in charge.

He’s what one might call a ‘Gentle Dom’. His preferred method of punishment is expressing his disappointment in me. He’s only physically punished me once. It was awful. Yeah, the pain and inability to have an orgasm from the pain sucked…but it was over in a matter of minutes. It was the realization that I had truly fucked up that stuck with me. I don’t want to have to go through that again.

But I do miss the sadistic play that seems to right me when my world starts to tilt. I casually mentioned that I might go to work with my plug.

“Why?” Daddy asked, incredulous. I explained that it was just for funsies, just to feel the plug in me. “But the last time you had it in you were being punished.” (Referring to when I was allowing JS to top me in absence of a dominant.)

“Yeah…but it wasn’t the plug that was the punishment. It was the length of time that I had to leave it in.”

“I see.”

Since Daddy isn’t even remotely a sadist, he doesn’t understand why I need pain as much as I need dominance. I’m not sure how to approach him…he’s pretty possessive of me and I don’t want to hurt his feelings by asking for an additional play partner.

To be continued…


3 thoughts on “A Little Lost

  1. Hang in there. Flare ups suck but it sounds like you’re on the right track now.

    Funny how we have pain from RA and hate it but want pain from a Dominant. Ever wonder about that? I do lol. Masochists…we’re a quirky group.


    1. Aren’t we though? The only thing I can think of is that the pain from a sadist is a gateway to pleasure. And it’s occasional. Plus we can ultimately control it. With the RA…it’s constant, unrelenting and never pleasurable.

      Liked by 1 person

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