Life · Random Thoughts

Permission to Break

I need a break.

When I thought that today, my immediate thought after was, “Yeah! Like, a vacation. A real break.”

The next thought was, “Yeah, but didn’t you just have a break?” 

And the answer to that was “So what? Is there a limit to how many breaks you get in a lifetime? I’m stressed out from work… I’m sick…doesn’t that warrant taking a moment to breathe?”

That, ladies and gentlemen, is a breakthrough for me.

The Ariel four years ago wouldn’t have even thought of taking a break to mentally recharge. She wouldn’t have seen it as a necessity. I grew up in a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” environment and there was little sympathy for whining. I didn’t learn how to take care of myself- mentally, spiritually, or emotionally. I learned the important of hard work and responsibility, often to the detriment of my own happiness.

D/s and therapy have helped me immensely. D/s helped me begin to dust off emotions I’d locked away a long time ago.  I began to address my emotional needs and then began to demand that they be met with the people that were currently in my life. Then I started to figure out how to get them met with other people. I needed a road map- how does one learn how to love themselves unconditionally? What does that look like? I didn’t know how to be kind to myself. My therapist asked me once if I deserved to be loved. I shrugged and said yes, but we both knew that was a lie.

Today I can answer that question with a ‘yes’ and 100% mean it.

And finally, I’m now beginning to learn how to take care of my emotional needs myself. Sure, I have Husband and Daddy in my life. But I’m learning to recognize when enough is enough and it’s time to recharge. I’ve mentioned before that operating in little space helps me stay emotionally stable on a daily basis. I have given myself permission to self care. I’m writing everything- journaling, blogging here, writing fiction. It’s incredibly cathartic. I’m verbally expressing my feelings to my friends and family without shame. I’m making time for bubble baths and movies I like and I’m laughing more. My mother commented yesterday, “You know, it’s so nice to see the light back in your eyes!”

And when I’m upset, I now have this safe space to process my emotions. I no longer have to be Superwoman all the time. I can cry and vent and be childish and it’s okay. I have people (not just Daddy and Husband but other friends) who have become safety nets for me. No judgement.

Folks, this is good stuff. I’m happy.

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