I’ve been fascinated with “alternative lifestyles” since I was young. My favorite uncle is, by all rights and definitions, a pimp. He’s gotten older and isn’t as active now, but he still has his girls and guys from time to time. I grew up calling one of his guys ‘uncle’ and he’s still considered an uncle today! He comes over regularly for BBQs, has done my hair over the years, and calls my grandmother ‘Mom’.
When I was in college, I once posted a picture of me biting a girl’s thong playfully on Facebook. My so called friends came down hard on me, accusing me of being gay and making me feel really bad about something that was completely innocent. I held my ground though and eventually they apologized to me for being so closed minded. Still, the experience stuck with me.
When I graduated, I immediately became friends with a gay male named TJ. TJ was (and still is) active in the LGBTQ community, a well known area drag queen who performs regularly. He introduced me to his friends. I was introduced to my first sex dungeon (his roommate’s) and went to gay bars and parties. I knew I liked dressing in drag as a man. It was fun and arousing!
And now here I am, almost 30 years old, and slowly becoming more active in the local kink community. It’s funny, this has been the most painful and terrifying journey so far. For some reason, learning to embrace the fact that I’m not just a “bedroom submissive” is harder than I would have thought it would be. And that if I don’t have healthy, consensual outlets for my natural inclinations, I will continue to go through life being a miserable, bitter Debbie Downer constantly on the verge of snapping.
I’m reading Different Loving Too, the follow up to Different Loving that I read a few months ago. This passage stood out to me:
The other thing is that we have a tendency to judge our relationships by common standards. We sometimes forget that we live what is referred to as “an alternative lifestyle.” If it is indeed an “alternative” then why do we constantly judge it by mainstream values? This goes back to our conditioning. Our environments, our society, our families and friends have all played a part in the development of our personal norms and standards and sometimes we fail to analyze them and adjust them to the person who we are today and the lives we lead in the here and now. It’s as if I grew up in Hawaii but wanted to live the same way in Brooklyn. I’d have to make some adjustments, even if fundamentally I’d be the same person. BDSM requires that we change some of our perspectives and perceptions.
As always, this book is comforting in that it validates what I’m feeling and also giving me something to think about. I constantly tell myself (in relation to kink) that it’s not ‘right’. For example, circumstances made it so that Daddy could not send me a good morning message today. We haven’t spoken since last night, versus us usually speaking up until we go to bed and then as soon as we wake up.
The absence of his presence today is deeply troubling. I’m having a hard time focusing at work (actually not working at all), I’m sluggish yet twitchy and I just realized that it’s lunch time. I have no plans for food. Nor do I have an appetite. And I keep fighting back tears that spring out of nowhere. All in all, I am in a state of distress.
I keep thinking that this reaction isn’t right. What’s wrong with me? Would I have this type of reaction in a vanilla relationship? When I was dating my husband, I would be annoyed or worried if I didn’t hear from him, but not physically ill.
Luckily I now have a tiny network for submissive friends who can help me understand and process these emotions. When I asked one how she would feel if in my situation, her immediate response was “super anxious”. Another one replied, “I freak out after about 6 hours lol”. It made me feel better.
When Daddy and I talk, it’s not like we’re talking kinky 24/7. 99% of our conversations are about normal day to day things- weather, politics, friends and family. The difference is the power exchange is there, under the surface. At any moment in our conversation, we can switch from being simple friends who are chit chatting to him telling me to do something as my dominant.
I think it’s important for me to continue learning about the psychology of submission and what it does for me. I am by no means in a perfect situation and I feel like I need to arm myself with healthy coping techniques to use when I’m not able to interact on a D/s level.