I saw this post on Fetlife and after I liked it, the author reached out to me. We had a brief, but validating discussion about having a vanilla (or somewhat vanilla) partner and finding a dominant outside of marriage. I encourage anyone in a similar situation to check her profile out. She summarizes my thoughts nicely.
I’ve come to realize, in the three years that I’ve been on this journey, that what may work for you might not work for me. And that’s okay! (Yes, I know…duh. Bear with me here, I’m a slow learner.)
As a rule, I hate change. Abhor it. I like for everything to be status quo unless it has been meticulously planned out. Life, unfortunately, is messy. Shit happens. Did I know I would discover a name for my kink? Nope. Or that there was a whole community and books out there about it? Nope. Or that it would feel so damn good to stop suppressing it? Nope! Neither did I think my husband wouldn’t be into a 24/7 lifestyle, would start ignoring me, and that I would ever feel unfulfilled in a relationship. Like I said. Shit happens. So I’ve had to change my way of thinking (somewhat).
A look back at my older posts will show you how I discovered that I was submissive, indulged (without permission) in my kinks, attempted to give it up, then finally accepted and indulged again (this time with permission). Nothing is forever but death and taxes, so who knows? In a year my kinks might change. By this time in three years Husband and I might be in a different place. Or maybe we won’t. That’s okay. I can’t plan this out. This is the one thing in my life that does not have a road map of any sort. I have no idea what will happen from one day to the next. All I can do is remain present in what’s happening today. <Insert mind being blown here>
Another thing I had to accept is that, despite a TON of people doing it, there is a stigma against having multiple partners without having a label on it. I hesitate to say that I’m polyamorous or that I have an open marriage. Both are not true. I’m allowed to play online. At any point and time, Husband retains the right to withdraw his permission. Will he? Probably not. We’re operating a lot smoother now that I’m getting what I need: guidance, structure, an outlet for stress, etc.
When you’re new, you’re desperate to fit into the pre-existing molds. Right? Look at any kink site with forums. They’re littered with questions like “Am I a submissive if I do x,y, and z?” or “Can I be a dominant if I don’t like a, b, and c?” or “Are we really Master and slave if we don’t do blah blah blah?”. At the munches I attend, there usually are a few people who are new to the scene who are asking the same questions that you find on the interwebs. We newbies are looking for the veterans to tell us that we’re 100% accepted. Flaws and all. It’s high school for the sexually depraved and we want to be with the cool kids. Everyone seems to have found their way and (because this is the internet where truths are stretched) everyone seems to be doing kink similarly.
That’s bullshit, y’all know that right?
Your mileage may vary.
The way I express my kink may be different from the way you express yours.
That is okay.
Reread the above sentence.
Chant that shit every morning if you have to while you shower.
Learn it. Live it.
Because the kink community resembles high school sometimes, people look down on things like the grey areas between labels. Go ahead and check out the 24/7 long distance and online group on Fet. I dare ya. Notice how the comments on any particular post include a few people downing long distance relationships, insinuating that online D/s can’t be real and sneering while asking how does one handle not being able to touch their Dom or sub. When I first found this group, I was so dismayed at what I was reading. Even in the kink community I couldn’t do it right! And it should be noted that Husband and I dated long distance for 4 years before moving in with each other! I’m a pro at long distance!
You know what? This little sub has decided that my kinky fucks bucket is quite empty. I’ve decided that I don’t care if people don’t like it. They don’t have to like it. Who the fuck are people anyway? Is there some kinky task force I’m not aware of? Whatever goes on in my panties is between me, Husband and my dominant.
Remember, your mileage may vary. Now go get your kink on.