I’ve been fighting with a friend for the past 24 hours and I’m emotionally exhausted. My RA has been acting up (and will continue to do so until I switch meds) so I’m physically exhausted. I have to take care of an adult problem this morning so I’m wearing my big girl hat.
My chest is tight and I’m shaking. I have no appetite. I think I might be having some sort of anxiety attack, I think to myself. Nah. Could I really? Aren’t I stronger than that? I hate when I feel this weak!
I argue with myself as I get dressed, miserable. Daddy messages me and we chat, but I’m afraid to tell him anything. I try to keep my responses very mature, refusing to slip into little space like I always do when we talk. I don’t want to seem as though I can’t handle simple problems on my own. Because I can, damn it!
I take care of my adult stuff and head back to work. Daddy is steadily messaging me and I’m doing my best not to fall apart. I park in the parking lot of my job and just sit in the car. He asks me what I’m eating for lunch and I reply back that I don’t have an appetite.
Why? Is something wrong? Are you sick?
No, I type. I’m not sick. Tears well up in my eyes as I confess. I had a fight with my friend and it’s bothering me that it’s bothering me. I feel so childish.
He asks me why we were fighting. I tell him, trying to hide the fact that I’m crying in case any coworkers happen to walk by. I admit that I feel pathetic. He reminds me that he thinks I am a strong, responsible woman. That my friend was in the wrong and the reason I’m so upset is that she violated my safe space. I counter that I’m too old to be upset about these things. He tells me that I have a right to be mad and that you’re never too old to be angry.
So are you saying it’s ok to care about these things? I ask.
I laugh, feeling the tightness ease a bit in my chest. I bite my lip and reply back.
And it’s not silly?
I grin and thank him for the advice.
Anything for my kitten.
I ask for permission to eat a muffin for lunch instead of a full meal. He instructs to get something healthy alongside of it, like fruit or a salad. I do as told, and begin to eat. Between his advice and his instructions, I feel a thousand times better now.