I wake up. Try to fight my sleepiness. Come on, an incessant voice says. You have to go to work. A sliver of excitement runs through me. Yes. Work. I love working on the weekends. I love being productive.
A twinge of guilt hits me. I’m leaving Husband at home, again, with our kiddo by himself. I feel selfish. I brush it aside, because the work has to be done. And I’m bucking for a bonus, so I need to keep the momentum going.
I immediately reach for my phone, expecting to see a good morning message from my friend. Then I realize it’s Saturday, and chances are he’s busy and won’t be on.
Disappointment begins to creep in but I bat it away. We talked about this. We’ve been talking almost every day for months. I know his schedule, he knows mine. I know he’s busy. Hell, I’m busy. I’ve never expected a message from him before on a Saturday, so why now?
You know why, the little voice in my head taunts. Don’t pretend.
Silently I curse and turn over in bed, shaking off the remnant of sleepiness, flipping through my emails and making a to do list in my head. My thoughts wander back to him. I can’t allow myself to get caught up in feelings. It won’t work.
But this feels different, the little voice argues. I agree. This feels comfortable. Probably because we’ve been friends for awhile now. He’s seen me at my worst unfortunately. Chased me down when I went dark. Read this blog. Learned a lot more about me than I wanted him (or anyone) to.
I give myself a pep talk. Listen here, kiddo. You can’t do this again. You, of all people, are one who learns from her mistakes. Yes, Husband gave you permission, but that doesn’t mean you have to act on it. You’re stronger than this. You don’t need a dom, you know. Pft. Keep him as a friend. Tell him last night’s conversation was a mistake. Friend. FRIEND.
I nod to myself, resolved. Yes. Ok! Off to work. As I start to get up, my phone beeps. I pick it up and see a new message. An annoying thrill goes through me. Oh, I hope it’s him! I think before I can stop myself. I open the message. It is from him! But wait, wasn’t he supposed to be busy today?
“Just got on to say good morning and hope you have a great day.”
I grin. Damn it.