Am I a coward? I tend to run away from my emotions. I often push them to the side, ignoring my well being, because I’m afraid I’m not strong enough to deal with them.

So does that make me a coward? I read this article on escapism and this resonated with me:

Until you acknowledge and muster the courage to deal with what you are trying to escape from, your issues will not miraculously disappear. They will continue to be there, creating looping patterns in your life. You will keep finding yourself getting stuck in similar situations and contexts, thinking the same things, feeling the same emotions, doing the same things – over, and over, and over again – until the day you finally decide to do something about them. Loops require conscious intervention in order to break out of them.

I constantly worry that I use kink as a means of escape. From the drudgery of day to day life. As a way to escape stress. Is that ok? Is it healthy? Is it normal?

I’ve been having some pretty heavy emotions as of late. I’m stressed and anxious. It bothers me to be so emotional, mainly because I suck at processing them. I’m really struggling with the desire to hide again. It’s so easy and tempting. I turn off my phone. I ignore emails. I sign out of social media. I go dark. I adult and then when it’s quiet in my house I go and hide under the covers until it’s time to do it all over again. It’s a dark bliss. It’s the devil I know best. Husband doesn’t mind. It means he doesn’t have to try to “fix” me. He always says he doesn’t know what to say to me.

Last time, my friend tracked me down and reached out. But it’s not his job to keep doing that. Friends should not have to constantly be on babysitting duty. Unfortunately, I’d feel super guilty if I went dark again because now I assume he’d be disappointed in me. Also he has my email address haha. Damn it. I’m not used to anyone being so freaking persistent and worse, observant. I’m used to going unnoticed. I’m used to being overlooked because I have a really, really stupidly hard time telling anyone that something is wrong. My blogs work because I’m anonymous. I can confess my deep dark secrets with no looks of pity (blech!) or judgement.

I’m just ranting. My friend suggested that I write so here I am. I don’t feel better though. And to be honest, I’m tired of feeling these wild rollercoasters of emotions. My therapist wants me to try an antidepressant and I’ve been fighting her on it because ugh, pills. Plus, that means (in my mind) that these dark feelings have won. That I was not, in fact, strong enough to fight them on my own. To figure out my life on my own. But at this point maybe it’s time for me to wave the white flag. We’ll see.


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