It takes a lot for the universe to get something into my thick skull.
I operate by default in the black and white. Once I’ve made up my mind about something, no matter how wrong I might be, I have a hard time letting go of what I would currently know as ‘truth’. It’s a common trait with Taureans.
Husband gave me permission to play online, but something was bothering me. I couldn’t put my finger on it. It’s hard finding answers to questions you don’t know how to ask. I decided I needed to learn more about kink in general, and not from online anecdotes or fictional books. It was time to figure out some truths of my own. I went to Goodreads, found a list of BDSM non fiction and began building a personal ‘to be read’ list.
So far, I’ve read How to be a Happy and Healthy Submissive by Kate Kinsey and am currently reading Different Loving by Gloria Brame, William Brame and Jon Jacobs.
Kinsey’s book was a quick read and really for novices. I already knew all of the terminology, the dos and don’ts, etc. But it was still nice to have comfort and confirmation from someone who’s a veteran in the community. Some lines that stood out to me were:
“Wanting to be dominated does not mean that you are weak, or not a ‘good feminist’.”
“The power actually goes both ways because the dominant, by controlling and caring for the submissive, actually empowers the submissive to be who and what they truly are.”
A light bulb began to slowly flicker in my head. Of course, these were things my subbie friends had been telling me from day 1. But reading it in her book finally drilled it home.
Different Loving is a longer read. They spend the first 25% of the book looking at the history of BDSM. It was another reassuring moment to read once again that my kinks are nothing new and nothing to be guilty about. But the real nail in the duh coffin was reading the interviews that they conducted. Quite a few spoke about trying to suppress their kink and coming to terms with the fact that it can’t be done (in a healthy way).
Here are some passages that rang so true to me it felt like someone had read my diary:
“If you’re unconsciously submissive, then I think there’s potential for a great deal of self-deprecation.”
“I started suppressing my S/M fantasies. I found that it’s like a bubble in water: You suppress it, the bubble pops up; you push the bubble down, it stays down a little longer, [then] comes up about twice as fast. I suppressed for six months, and then I had to have S/M.”
“It’s like going to someone who’s gay and saying, “You’re going to be straight tomorrow.” It doesn’t happen.”
“When I submit, I have to trust somebody a lot more than I would ordinarily think of trusting someone and I show a lot more of myself. That’s very satisfying. It’s a sense of belonging, being at home, being comfortable.”
“When I’m feeling submissive, I’m more open: I feel things; I enjoy life. If I’m not and I’m in my own shell and feeling like I can’t be submissive or [that] it’s not being [elicited from] me, I tend to have a wall between me and the rest of the world. I don’t enjoy life in general.”
“I have nightmares sometimes [and] flashbacks, and for me, the best way to get me through one of those is for him to completely take control of me, to hold me down and make me focus and be aware of who I am now, not where I was in the flashback. If Frank [were to] let me go off and be in my flashback, I get worse and worse, and I go farther and farther away.”
“I consider myself to be a three-way masochist. I’m a physical masochist: I like pain and I like cruelty in association with that pain. I’m an emotional masochist: I love humiliation, especially degradation. And I’m a mental masochist: I love power; I love someone being in control over me. In a lifestyle relationship I get all three.”
Right now, this book is like the Bible for me. I woke up this morning feeling relieved. I smiled. I bopped to music on the way in to work. I felt lighter. Funny what a little education will do for you.