Life · Lifestyle

Permission

 

17 days ago I decided to say goodbye to the online kink community (excluding my blog).

16 days ago a friend of mine from the online community tracked me down, scolded me for leaving without saying goodbye and we agreed to remain pen pals.

11 days ago I started to crack. The day to day stress from my job and my family with no release was beginning to eat at me. I shoved it aside.

5 days ago, I was struggling to get out of the bed. For a week I hadn’t slept for more than a few hours, I had tension headaches every morning and evening, and I was feeling very depressed. I made it in to work, but not in time to do something for Bossman. He gave me a disapproving look and I proceeded to cry at my desk for thirty minutes before retreating to the bathroom to cry for another hour. I began to panic- this was not like me. I keep up appearances at work. Why couldn’t I stop crying??

While I was trying to get myself under control in the bathroom, I decided to check my email. Lo and behold, an email from my pen pal. I had lamented in my last message to him that I hated that kink was a need, not a want. He replied:

“Need is a need. Something that you want that makes you feel complete, or at least good. And needs are not trivial. If you need something, and the lack of it is affecting your happiness, then I don’t think it’s silly.”

I laughed. What timing!

But I was still feeling desperate. And I still couldn’t stop crying. So I quickly reached out to a private group of friends on Facebook and asked them to text me throughout the day. I was scared I wouldn’t go home. The urge to keep driving past my house and into the sunset was strong.

They did (in spades). I received a text telling me how much they loved me every 15 minutes for the next eight hours. The crying stopped. I went back to work. Bossman made an effort to make me laugh. I went home, emotionally spent. When I walked in the door, I told Husband that we needed to talk.

“Is it the headaches?”

“Well…yes, among other things.”

“Have you called the doctor yet?”

I looked at him. “You know it’s not a medical issue, Husband.” I sighed. “We need to talk.”

“Look, no need to talk. You can play online again if you’d like.”

I stared at him. He stared back. We just stood there like two staring loons. Finally, we both broke into laughter.

“Uh, I was going to say that if I can’t do online play, you have to give up your nightly gaming,” I said, wiping an eye. “If I’m going to be miserable, you have to be miserable too!”

He laughed even harder. “Yeah, that’s not happening.”

And that was that. We went about our night, making dinner, talking, playing with the kid.

That was five days ago. I didn’t rush out to rejoin my sites online. I haven’t felt a need to. But that night I slept like a baby.

 

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