Confessions

For the past few months, I’ve been friends with JS. We laughed, we talked, we comisserated. He actively pursued me as a submissive but my loyalty was with ex-Sir.

When he became my foster Dom, the vibe I was getting from him changed. Suddenly I felt like a burden. We had a fight, and I had to take the high road and break the ice that settled between us. He stopped messaging good morning. His responses in our conversation became generic. 

I decided that I would continue with our friendship and not sweat it. After all, it was just an online thing. Right?

This past weekend, I partied hard with a girlfriend and her very married boyfriend. The boyfriend told his wife that he was leaving town for a “work thing”. My friend was ok with the fact that he lied to his wife (who was at home with their 3 year old) to spend hundreds of dollars on her in another state.

After I had a lot of fun with them, I stumbled back home and Husband (per usual) took care of me. He waited up for me to come home (3 am in the morning). He went out and grabbed me dinner so I wouldn’t be sick. The next morning he went out and got me breakfast so I could nurse my hangover. 
When we finally had a chance to recap, I told him about my night. He was disgusted by my friend’s boyfriend. “You mean to tell me he’s out with her when his wife is at home with their child?” I nodded, shamed. I told him that while we were out, our taxi driver was pretty agressive with my friend and grabbed her. 

“Did her guy do anything?” Husband asked. I shook my head. He snorted in disgust. “Figures. That guy doesn’t care about her. She’s just a side chick.”

I thought about it and realized he was right. Nothing would ever come from her relationship with that guy. Just like nothing would ever truly come from my online relationships. 

The weekend continued. Husband decided he would get his hair and beard professionally cut. It was the first time he had done that in a long time. He came back feeling much confident and looking very sexy. I peppered him with compliments and made him promise to get a hair cut at least once a month. It was obvious that it was good for his self esteem. 

We spent all weekend cuddling, talking, laughing and enjoying each other. I stayed up with him (falling asleep in his lap) and we went to bed together. That was the first time in about six months we had slept in the same room. 

While watching tv, I asked him to hold Mr. Meow (my favorite stuffie) while I held another. He immediately tucked Meow in his arm. While out at the mall, we passed a Hello Kitty shop. He paused and looked at me, smiling. “Do you want to go in?” I grinned and said no. But it touched me he thought to ask.

Tonight, I realized I didn’t want to live a double life anymore. I was tired. My work has been slipping because I spend my days talking to JS. I had stopped writing because I was immersed in the kink world. I looked at my beautiful daughter in my arms and at my handsome, flawed Husband and decided in that moment I would refocus on them. 

I told my Husband that I was still playing online. He took it in stride, and told me to stop it. I apologized and he waved it off. “Have you had any physical things going on?”he asked. I said no. “Well okay then.”

So I messaged JS. Told him I would have to step away from the online world. And email. Deleted my messengers, my Fetlife page, signed out of my emails on my phone. 

A mixture of panic and relief washed over me. Panic because I was giving up something that had taken me on an emotional rollercoaster for the past six months. Relieved that I wouldn’t have to split my focus anymore.

So here I am. Saying goodbye to the online kink world. I still plan on attending munches. I’ll keep this blog. But I’m done with online doms. I’m done with being distracted.