Every now and then I stumble across a post on Fetlife that makes me go ‘blech!’
In one of the Daddy Dominant / Babygirl groups that I belong to, someone posted a rant in which she sneered at littles who are overly needy, who jump too quickly into relationships, who readily give up decision making to their Sirs and happily revert 1000% to a younger age where responsibilty was a four letter word.
At first I felt guilty. I’ve trusted too soon. I’ve called play partners ‘Daddy’. I’ve relied heavily on my Sirs to make sure I’m eating right and taking my medicines. I’ve only had three Doms- and two of them immediately established a bedtime for me without me asking.
Shame washed over me….for a minute. And then I remembered who the fuck I was!
I’m the woman who battles an illness every day. I drag myself out of bed, I ignore the pain, I get myself in to work. I’m the mother who makes sure her child is fed, up to date on her vaccinations, watching with an eagle eye as she stumbles through toddlerhood. I make my husband’s doctor appointments and track bills and make sure the pets are alive and healthy. I write books and articles and at one point ran a business alongside my fulltime day job.
And while I’m busy being a superwoman for the people I care about in my life, I sometimes (ok most of the time) forget to take care of myself. I fail to eat dinner even after I’ve cooked it, negotiated with my daughter on eating it and cleaned up the kitchen. I’m so tired at that point I often stumble to my bedroom and just pass out. Or I’ll eat something quick (like popcorn) just to get me to the next morning.
I forget to take my medicine at night, or I’ll stay up way too late because I’m a natural night owl and do my best writing in the wee hours.
I have a problem with balance. I’m a type A, perfectionist who can be an intense (read: scary) control freak when I feel stressed and overwhelmed. The Doms in my life gently take away some of my responsibilites so that I can breathe again. They set rules on when and how I eat, when I go to sleep and make sure I remember to take my medicine. I’m given a safe space to revert to a lighter version of myself with no judgement. When I’ve fallen, these guys pick me up, dust me off and set me on my feet again.
They provide the balance that I desperately need.
As I remembered all of that, the shame slipped away from me. I rolled my eyes and moved on to another post. I refuse to let anyone determine how I express my kink. I’m done being ashamed of who I am and what I like. And if anyone has an issue with that they can suck it!