As the kids like to say these days: I’m feeling some kind of way right now.
Damn these emotions.
I think it’s time to update my about me and add a ‘characters’ page. I’m having a hard time keeping track of all of the men in my life, so I know my poor readers are as well. LOL.
I have a friend. Who is a dominant. We’ll call him JS. JS has been my friend for a few months now. He’s very nice and articulate and lives in the same time zone as me. I could be on a plane and in two hours see him. We met through a chat site. He reached out to me and struck up a friendly conversation. Since then, we’ve talked every day, Monday through Friday about everything under the sun: kids, kink, work, books, etc. He’s married with three kids. Much like most of the people who participate in emotional affairs, he says that his spouse is not interested in BDSM and so he gets his needs met through talking with other women. He’s had one submissive so far. He says his wife knew about her. “She’s as OK with it as she’s going to be,” he said. He and the submissive split after about a year because he’s not available on the weekends (like most married men) and the submissive wanted something 24/7 (which is absolutely understandable). They’re still friends and talk every day.
So we’ve been talking and talking and talking. All friendly chat. When ex-Sir and I split, he virtually held my hand and told me it would be ok. He loves that I am a little. It fascinates him I think. He’s a Capricorn (completely compatible with my Taurean nature). He’s nice and funny and seems to sense when something is wrong with me before I even articulate it.
Why am I telling you this?
Because he’s expressed on several occasions that he’d be interested in more than friendship. When I swore after ex-Sir and I broke things off that I was done looking for Dominants, he gently begged me to reconsider. I brushed him off. I was done. Period. Two days ago, I had a really bad day and something compelled me to write lines. Since he’s the only Dom in my life right now, I used his name. Yesterday, I mentioned it and he casually offered to give me a few easy rules if it would help me remain in a submissive head space. I agreed and bam! He did. Suddenly, I have a foster Dom. I refuse to call him my actual Dom because 1) I’m still heartbroken over my ex-Sir and 2) I meant what I said about being done being someone’s little. I can’t handle the heartache again. Not with the stress of my job, plus the stress of being married and the stress of having a small child who refuses to sleep through the night after almost two years (haha). I’m tired and I feel broken and I just don’t want to cry over anyone anymore. Ever again.
After I realized what I’d done last night, I had a freak out. What was wrong with me? Why was I agreeing to this? Hadn’t I learned my lesson? He’s made it quite clear that he likes me and wants to get to know me even better. We had a very serious debate today about me opening myself up to finding another Dom. He seems to think I’m doing myself a disservice by closing my heart. I keep reminding him that the burned child dreads the fire. I have no intention on getting burned again.
“I think you want to let people in but you trust them too quickly, and that’s what ends up burning you,” he said.
“Only in the D/s world,” I admitted. “But I’m learning from my mistakes.”
“That’s good and now you have me to help you.”
I paused, ignoring that painful squeeze in my heart. “I don’t expect you to help me long term.” I laughed, nervous. “I can be a big girl.”
“Why can’t I help you long term?”
I frowned. “Why would you want to?”
“Because I like you.”
My head began to hurt. This is not happening. I don’t want to fall in like with this man. Or fall in love with him. Or any emotion on the spectrum that points north of friendly. Everything that he is saying, my ex-Sir said (to some degree). There must be a book titled Shit to Say to Hurt Submissives that these men pass around. Nope, nope, nopety nope.
So I politely changed the subject. He took it in stride, but before he left he said, “Don’t forget your two assignments. And I want you to color a picture for me tonight.”
I agreed and wished him a good night. Then I went to the bathroom (my favorite place to process emotions) and cried. Cried because I’m married and despite my best efforts have come to understand that I can only get my emotional needs met via strangers. Cried because I may never have someone who fulfills all of my needs physically in my life. Cried because his words hit my bruised heart. Cried because he’s married and tied down hundreds of miles away. Cried because I felt pathetic. And I cried because I’m terrified. As my friend he was non-threatening. As a foster Dom he’s a potential threat. I just hope whatever we’re doing doesn’t tarnish the friendship we have going. And I’m going to focus on not relying on him outside of friendship despite our little arrangement.