I have a play partner that I can absolutely not shake out of my system.

He was the first man I ever called ‘Daddy’. The first man I was ever openly little with.  I actually regressed quite a bit when we played and he didn’t bat an eye. He still calls me dear. And he’s sexy as fuck.

We had two days of intense play and then he disappeared after I questioned him about something that was important to me. I was heartbroken because we were having such a good time but I don’t chase. Ever. I’ve never chased a vanilla man and I’ll be damned if I chase a kinkster.  Online we ran in the same friend circles. After I saw him complimenting other women, I dropped out of the groups we were in and decided to put him in the “been there, done that” pile with all of the other play partners that never ended up becoming friends.

Anyway, because of him and how upset I was when he dropped me, I made a new rule: I never cum for my play partners. Ever. I’ll moan and groan and edge and totally get them off but I won’t allow myself to cross that threshold. Because for all of the shit I talk, my heart is positively ooey gooey. When I cum for a man I feel like I’m giving up a piece of myself to him. I tend to believe all of those sweet nothings he’s whispering into my ear. I look forward to hearing from him again. I set myself up for disappointment. Cause casual play partners are about as reliable as a light tampon on a heavy flow day. There’s only a 50/50 chance you’re gonna make it through ok.

So that was back in May. In August, I closed out of my old account and created a new one under a new name. The other day, I received a notification email letting me know I had messages on my old account. Curious, I logged in and saw that two weeks prior he’d reached out to me.

Despite my better judgement, I replied back and let him know I was under a new account now. He messaged me and we chatted for a few minutes–totally friendly. I didn’t hear from him for a few days…until just now.

Since May, I’ve had numerous play partners. I’m pretty proficient at using them and losing them at this point. I remain detached and it’s fun. My heart’s not really in it, we truly are just roleplaying and they leave satisfied. For me, I get the attention and interaction I crave. It’s a win-win.

But this guy…I find myself thinking about him. After we talked for a few minutes that night, I laid in bed with my vibrator and had TEN orgasms. Yes. 1-0. (Side note: Have I mentioned I’m multiorgasmic? No? Yeah…I can keep cumming until the cows come home.) Anyway, ten orgasms for some random partner that I haven’t heard from in months is fucking ridiculous. But I couldn’t help it. I was so turned on. I could hear his voice egging me on, telling me just one more because I’m a good girl and that’s what he wanted. Hear him whisper “baby, show me that pretty little pussy..”


Once again, tonight we talked for a few minutes and without a ‘good night’ or ‘ttyl’ or anything he’s just dropped off. Part of me is annoyed- why bother me if you didn’t want to have a legit conversation? I was just sitting here watching Charmed and eating a small bowl of grapes as a late night snack. Totally minding my own business! The other part of me is relieved–I don’t want to get caught up in another emotional roller coaster so soon after Sir. I’ve sworn off finding another Dominant. I know, I know…it seems drastic but I just don’t see myself committing to anyone else. I’ll keep doing the dance I do with Husband and dicking around with casual partners. But I have no desire to be someone else’s babygirl.

We’ll see what happens with this guy. I’m curious as to why he keeps reaching out to me–does he view me as a friend? As someone to chat with while he waits for his food to get done cooking or for his prescription to be filled? Our conversation is pretty PG-13, but I don’t consider him an actual friend. That fucker disappeared for months! I guess time will tell what he really wants…

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