Yesterday was a rough day.
The previous night I had trouble falling asleep. No Daddy to tuck me in, Husband saying good night in a hurry to get back to his game.
My daughter woke up four hours later and wouldn’t go back to sleep. I was a walking zombie by the time I made it to work. By the afternoon, I was numb again. My friends asked me if I was ok and I’d smile but the concern in their eyes wouldn’t go away. So I’d loudly crack a joke to distract them.
Soon after I got back from lunch, a coworker fell to the floor in a seizure. I sprung into action- barking orders, answering questions, comforting her. The adreneline got me through getting her onto an ambulance and then I decided I was done for the day. I packed up, grabbed a friend and went to the bar.
At 3:30 in the afternoon.
3 whiskeys later and I was feeling more numb. Went to therapy and we discussed why I hadn’t cried over Daddy yet.
“I don’t know. I don’t think it’s healthy though.”
“No”, she agreed. “I don’t think so either.”
I couldn’t sleep last night. I had Husband come in and sit with me to calm me down…but it didn’t work. He’s never interested in conversating anymore. I don’t have anyone to talk to. Laying in bed last night, I felt incredibly lonely. I waffled on calling Daddy. He’d pick up. I knew that. But he hadn’t reached out to me yet. Maybe he’s moved on, I think and chuck my phone to the other side of the bed. Yes, that’s it. He’s moved on.
My friend just texted me and asked if I had found someone local yet. I replied back and confessed I don’t even want to start looking. I miss my (now ex)Daddy. I know I should be ashamed- we had no real future. But he fulfilled a very real need. And this tightness in my chest won’t go away.
I just want this hurt to go away.