Life

Where’s Your Husband?

If I were a reader of this blog, I’d certainly be thinking that haha. The short answer is he’s still here. I still come home to him at night, we still raise our daughter, we’re still married.

But…you have a Daddy…

That I do. Remember when I tried to get Husband on board with BDSM? I’ve only given glimpses of our relationship’s progress over the past few years. Here’s what actually happened:

2013– I admitted to Husband that I was a submissive and wanted to introduce that into our lives. He agreed.

2014– Life happens. We get pregnant, Husband loses his job and withdraws into himself. Nothing I can do will bring him out. I’m incredibly stressed, pregnant, scared and very clingy. I need him at this point. We’re by ourselves in California with no family to help (as a matter of fact his family was causing more stress than helping), little money (at one point we only have a few dollars in our checking account and are living off of rice and beans), and limited hope. All we have is each other. Sex stops. Intimacy stops. He’s afraid to touch me because I’m pregnant. It’s too weird, he says. I feel incredibly unloved and depressed. I express this to him multiple times and it changes nothing. I pepper him with compliments and affection because he’s the father of my child and I’m swooning over that. He gives none of that back.  Two weeks before I give birth, he gets a new job with no paternity leave.

2015– 3 months in with a new baby, his new job, and no outside support means the tension is palpable in our household. He still won’t touch me. Our arguments are bitter and nasty. I’m struggling with un-diagnosed (at the time) PPD. On May 17, 2015 I tried to commit suicide. Two weeks later I was signing a pact in my therapist’s office making me promise not to try to kill myself again. I was given an anti-depressant. Husband and I try a round of marriage counseling (he hated it).

I want to move back home. I need help. Husband digs his heels in. Despite me being suicidal and extremely depressed, he doesn’t want the stress of moving states and finding a new job again. In July I give him an ultimatum: either you move with me and our baby or you stay in California. I am done battling my demons by myself and have given up hope that my Husband would stand in my corner. He reluctantly agrees and we move back to the Midwest in September. Everything worked out by the way–I took a job in the same company for double my current salary, and he was allowed to work from home which meant he could also watch our baby.

2016– We’ve settled in to our new lives. I bring up BDSM again…and the fact that our sex life is still almost non-existent.  My extremely high sex drive has not waned despite our fights. We talk again…and again…and again. I provide more literature, more videos, even mention that there are mentoring programs for Doms. He says he’s interested but still doesn’t make a move. I still consider him my Dom despite him not being interested in learning anything about it. I figured if I keep gently bringing it up, deferring to him, etc. he’d come around. It doesn’t happen.

By June, our bickering is simply viscous. During one particular fight, he hits me in the arm. Twice. HARD. I make a decision. I take off my wedding rings and tell him I won’t put them back on.  I can’t leave him–we have our daughter and we’re all alone in our current town so I can’t move out without financially tanking us. He apologizes profusely but I’m numb physically and emotionally. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of the stress. I’m tired of feeling unloved.

I, in a fit of sexual frustration, frequent a popular erotica website and one night meet a man in chat who is very dominate. Our chats turn from friendly to sexual quickly. We role-play and it’s amazing. I hit sub frenzy and for a month play with this man online despite the red flags that he’s a predator. Eventually (and reluctantly) I end things with him. But my fate is sealed–I’ve experienced a sliver of the kink that I want and I’m not going back.

A few weeks later I meet another man online. This one is different–he’s all business with tasks and rules. No chemistry. We don’t last long…he disappears after an argument. I find a few online play partners and they ghost as well. I’m basically stumbling along this journey by myself, attempting to figure out what I like. Reading, talking to other submissives, actively learning.  Eventually I tell Husband what I’ve been up to. He’s upset but can’t deny that I’ve done everything in my power to bring him along this journey with me. He agrees to step up to the plate and actively try to dominate me both in the bedroom and out. I’m cautiously excited, especially after we have one night of kinky sex. Suddenly he’s spanking me (he likes to spank) and being more firm in his communication with me. I eagerly show him the online communities that I belong to, add him to the messaging D/s groups that I belong to and set him up with a Fet profile so he can see what I’m up to. I try to share my original blog with him but he fails to read it.  This lasts for a few weeks and then he stops. He’s simply lost interest again.

The 2013 me would have been extremely disappointed and gone to the drawing boards again to beg, plead and argue with him. Explain for the umpteenth time why this is important to me. Explain why this is something that I crave. The 2016 me calmly shrugs and opens myself up to finding a new online Dom. By this time, I’ve realized that I’m a little and begin to self identify as one. I’ve also realized that I’m ok with being a cheater. Because that’s what I am right? When the smoke clears, when the dust settles, I’m cheating. Online relationships that are not sanctioned by my Husband is cheating. Go ahead and judge. I’m ok with that too.

When we first started talking, Daddy asked me why I slept alone. I told him my Husband prefers to stay up gaming late at night instead of coming to bed. He sleeps on the couch. We haven’t slept in the same bed in months. Before we moved from California, we didn’t sleep in the same bed for years despite my begging him to. We’re more like best friends than lovers  most of the time. So far, my cheating online frees him up to not have to worry about being my Dom and makes me happy because I’m submitting to someone. To be honest, I think my Husband knows what I’m up to. He’s ok looking the other way because having his head in the sand is his way of dealing with things that are tough. I’m over bringing it up to him. I don’t want to force something on him that he doesn’t want. I don’t want him to pretend to be someone he isn’t. It’s not fair to him. And it’s not fair to me.

So there you have it. I have a Husband and I have a Daddy. And right now it’s working for me.

 

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