I always cry over men near or in water.

When I was a kid, my military father would bark orders at me and hurt my feelings. And then get super upset with me and yell even more if I cried. I was not allowed to cry in front of him.

So I would run into the bathroom, run the facet and cry. Then splash water on my face and force myself to stop crying by chanting “You’re a stupid, silly, soft girl. Stop it stupid. Stop it stupid. Only stupid girls cry.” 

It would work. 

I kept that up until I moved out at 18. By then, I could do it without the water and do it quickly. Efficiently. I would just stuff the hurt inside and move on. My father also told me that my happiness didn’t matter when it came to getting things done. I had responsibilities. I had people (my siblings) that I was responsible for. I believed him up until I discovered the DD/lg dynamic.

When I told my husband I was submissive, I cried in the shower.

I just tried to break up with Daddy and ended up crying in the tub. 

Are you sensing a theme here?

So here I am, in the tub, writing this. The warm water is swirling around me every time I shift. I’m in the post-crying space where you feel calmer…spent. 

Daddy just set me straight and I feel better now.

I tried to end it because he’s been busy at work these past few days and hasn’t had as much time these past two days for me. I got scared. Panic crept in. What if he was bored with me? What if he got what he wanted and disappeared? What if my careful vetting process and mandatory waiting period didn’t spare me for falling for someone with less than honorable intentions??

So I put on my big girl hat and told him we should stop.

Being the Daddy that he is, he listened to what I was saying, asked questions and then told me as nicely as possible that he wasn’t going to let me go that easily. I wasn’t going to run away that easily.

He said that it was HIS problem if I was too much, not mine. That meant he’d need to figure out a way to handle me better. But for the record, he did not feel that I was being too needy at all. And he really, really, really (his words, not mine) wanted to be my Daddy. 

“I love talking with you, I don’t feel that you’re needy at all. I want you to let me know if you feel I’m slacking off. I want you to be bratty if you feel bratty, needy if you feel needy, little if you feel little. Just be yourself.”

I peppered him with questions:

What if I need too much attention? What if I exhaust you? What if you find yourself not being able to say good night more often? How do you handle a worrywart sub like myself?

To which he replied: “Then we’ll say our goodbyes. But I don’t feel we’re anywhere near that. Do you?”

I admitted I didn’t and started to cry. He continued: “I’d talk to you until you’d get tired of me, except there’s work, and sleep, and real life.”

He went on to say that he wanted me to stop worrying and just be his girl. 

I felt a weight lift off of me and we continued to chat about random things. He made me laugh. He did mention before he went to bed that he expects me to do my assignment: I have to write his name on a part of my body and keep it there for 24 hours.

He wants me to remember that I’m his. 


One thought on “Doubts

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s