Disappointing Sex

So I broke up with my final play partner.

Not gonna lie- I miss him already. Having play partners allow me to slip into littlespace and then interact with Husband while in littlespace, which he seems to like. It’s all about flow- I’m stressed or anxious or disappointed, I scene with a play partner, I slide into littlespace and then I happily skip throughout the rest of the day. Easy peasy.

Except it isn’t easy peasy. When I’m in ls, Husband goes into DD mode. And then we’re all gaga into each other. And my play partners are left hanging- they want to chat and whatnot and I’m all like “Got what I needed from you, k bye!!!” It’s awful and selfish and why I decided I needed to give them up.

But I do miss them. And I haven’t been in ls for two days- nor have I been feeling very submissive. In 48 hours, I’m back to feeling old, fat, frumpy and attached to a man who is incapable of giving me an orgasm via cunninglingus because “he can’t breathe” and “his neck hurts”.

Play partners make me feel sexy. I make them feel wanted. I whine, they take care of me. I offer my submission, they readily accept. They control my thoughts, actions, and orgasms for a select period of time. It’s a win-win for everyone. And then we go back to our respective lives. The end, amen.

The problem is that I wanted more. I wanted 24/7. I wanted to either be free to pursue an actual relationship with a play partner OR Husband step up to the plate. I was tired of being on the receiving end of no orgasms.

I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease this year. I’ve been in various shades of pain for the past five years. I’m overweight due to poor diet, insane stress, long work hours, and physical inability to workout. So sex for us is always husband (who is also overweight for similar reasons and lacking stamina) on top, doing the work. We’ve tried me on top and still can’t find a position that works for us. He says I lay there just taking it which bothers me because it’s not like I haven’t tried alternative positions with him. They all hurt!

With online play partners I can have the orgasm and the mental release without having to feel guilty, or angry or disappointed. I can shed the sick, frumpy, out of shape skin I’m in and be this beautiful princess worthy of a prince’s attention. I can be me.


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