Catching Up · Submission

Update

My husband is my Dom on paper.

I have a sweet 24 year old online switch in the UK who talks little to me and allows me to roleplay. He really likes me but obviously for me it’s just a play partner.

The thing is- while he knows about Husband I haven’t told Husband about him. It’s all about trust. I’m protecting myself the only way I know how- by keeping someone in my back pocket because I’m afraid Husband will fuck up. He will stop dominating me. He will become stressed and retreat into himself. He will get tired of me being submissive and little. And then where will I be?

The logical thing to do is to cut this poor sweet switch loose. But how do I do that? How do I ease the sting? He’s so into me unfortunately. And I keep the line drawn in the sand- nothing inappropriate from either of us thank goodness. He’s seen the face that everyone has seen. It’s all very PG-13 thank god.

But it’s exhausting keeping up with him. I sense he’s lonely- social anxiety, depression, etc. Interacting with me is a positive in his life but I don’t want that type of sway over someone. I’m barely treading water as it is. In this journey, I need the strong shoulders of a dominant. I can’t be the carrier.

So I’m leaning (as the days go by) to letting him down gently. Telling him the truth- that my husband is interested in learning more about Domination and giving it a try. And that he’s asked me to step away from playing until we get things figured out. Ok…so not the full truth. But at least there won’t be any “you’re not good enough” speeches.

And if Husband fucks up…I can always find another play partner.

Husband seems to like this DD/lg thing. He spanks and bites. He told me today that I was grouchy and he would send me to my room if I kept it up (and was serious about it. I think it surprised us both that he said it so easily). He likes to mark me with hickeys. He’s ok with my stuffies. He wants me “to just be me”. And my submission is allowing me to relax and think before speaking. And for him to be the enforcer.

He snapped at me today and told me to stop acting like a little kid. I read that a DD is never supposed to say that- but I didn’t feel he meant it. Still, I used my big girl voice and told him to leave me be. The Husband before would have snapped fine and stormed off. This one just gave me two firm swats on the ass and proceeded to take care of me.

I continued to be grouchy throughout the day. I got a quick spanking in the kitchen for my efforts.

I asked him to pause the movie so I could pee. He said no and I had to hold it. (I think he was surprised I didn’t just go anyway.) I asked again, he thought about it and gave permission.

He grabbed my throat firmly and pulled me in for a good night kiss.

These (among the other days that have passed with us in this role) are all baby steps into something that could be potentially long lasting. Of course, we’re not dealing with financial or job or family stress right now. We’ve settled into somewhat of a routine. Sure, we have our daily worries but we were in extreme stress mode for years. So this lull has allowed for us to play.
But I refuse to sink into full submission. I am capable of easing into slave mode so easily. The need to just…surrender and please beckons. It’s incredibly frightening. It’s the feeling I had with C. I keep pushing it back. Husband will have to earn that level of submission. He wouldn’t know what to do with it. It’s too much responsibility right now. And I’m too fragile mentally to be let down again.

Anyway, the plan is to keep taking tiny steps. Keep cautiously being openly submissive and continue communicating as needed. We shall see what comes to pass…

 

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