I haven’t. I’ve been researching and talking to Husband and self reflecting and researching some more. I find it’s easy to hide in the internet world, where everything is perfect and the rules are rigid. But it takes a big set of tits to figure out things in the real world.
Ok, so where to begin?
I realized that I was taking everything I read on the internet for face value (which is a very stupid thing to do). In my defense, it was my only resource for understanding my feelings and so I began to read every personal blog and then sigh, “Why can’t my life be like that??” and read every article and figure out how to act just. like. that.
I started thinking about what I wanted and needed from a relationship. I wanted an Alpha man who understood me and made me laugh. Who made me feel safe. Who I was sexually attractive to. Who growled (yes, growled. Men can do it, I’ve heard them. Usually it’s older men, but every now and then a younger man will do it as well.). Who took care of me. And so on.
As I made the list mentally, I began to scrutinize my Husband. And then, I had to laugh. He was everything that I wanted. That’s why I was with him to begin with! Geesh.
So, I started to submit. I told him that he could take over paying the bills, something I had been struggling to do on my own. I haven’t nagged him about cleaning, etc. One evening, when I was feeling particularly horny, I mentioned that I wanted to give him head. I wanted to serve him. He smiled and asked, “How about you just get on?”
“Do you want me to?”
So I did. I began to ride him and he grabbed my wrists and moved me like he wanted me to move. It was beyond hot. He never let my wrists go (and usually he allows me to do the moving), and slapped my ass while I rode him.
A few days later, I asked him if I could call him Sir when I was feeling randy. He laughed and agreed.
I realized that my easing into the D/s dynamic is all for my sake. He’s pretty easy going…if I told him I wanted to start wearing assless chaps in the house (if it pleased him) he’d let me.
I have trust issues. I’m a type A control freak, which usually stems from trust issues to begin with. I realize that I was scared to give him the reigns even though it’s what I secretly wanted and needed.
And I realized that I could pick how I wanted my D/s relationship to work. It doesn’t have to be textbook.
For example, I’m not sure how I feel about spanking. There. I said it. He spanked me a few weeks ago at my request and I didn’t like it. I’m not sure if it was because the passion wasn’t there (he was unsure about spanking and I was aware that he was unsure, taking the fun out of it) or if it isn’t my thing. Who knows? We’ll have to continue to explore.
But the point is, right now I’m getting off on allowing him to run the household. It’s marvelous and scary at the same time. I keep wondering if this is ‘okay’. Society tells us girls that we are equals, independent…and I don’t want that right now. I want him to take care of me in our home. I have a degree, I work, I write. I run shit at the office.
When I come home, I want to be treated like a princess. (There. I said it. LOL)
Anyway, I’ve realized that I’m in a safe space with Husband and I can continue to figure things out in my own time. There is no rush, he’s not going anywhere (he keeps reminding me of that).
Speaking of Husband…..
I’ve continued to share links with Husband and he’s continued to read them. I don’t think he’s seeking them out on his own, yet, although I wouldn’t be surprised if he is and isn’t telling me. I realized that I’d approached him all wrong. In my need to control the situation, I didn’t trust him enough and missed a crucial thing: my Husband is very much a Dom. He was, and still is, very open minded to most things sexual. He thinks I’m cute to get so flustered over talking to him about my fantasies….after all, in his mind, I’m already his so I should be able to tell him anything. Seriously. That’s how he thinks. He’s told me verbatim so there would be no more misunderstanding.
And I think he’s getting off on being more assertive with me. He knows that I’m a smart ass, sarcastic woman and I don’t think he wants a delicate flower, cowering in the corner waiting for a command. I think he wants me to be comfortable being a strong, independent woman who trusts him enough to run the household. I think he wants both an equal partner and a woman that understands his maleness. Isn’t that what all men want?
So I’ll continue to send him links and tell him what I want. And I’ll continue to defer to him, giving him more control. We’ll see what happens.
Things have gotten a lot lighter in the mood department. We’re not having as much sex as I’d like (because he’s so stressed and I’ve been sick), but I’m working on it. I need to start cooking again, because no matter how much I want different, he is not going to eat healthy if I don’t stock the fridge and cook healthy. And he won’t exercise unless I put up a big fuss. But eating healthy is the first step and I think healthy meals will help with his mood. Plus, he likes to bring yummy smelling food to work and proudly tell his coworkers that his wife made it. 🙂
The biggest change is that I can’t keep my hands off of him. Seriously. I’m constantly trying to get him in the mood!
Anyway, that’s a recap of what’s been happening these last few weeks. I can’t wait to see what the future holds…