My name is Ariel and today, I cried in the shower.
Let me explain.
Yesterday, I told my husband and partner of eight years that I was into BDSM. I didn’t realize it was BDSM. Hell, I thought I just had sick fantasies. He’s always known of a few of them but there are some that I’m still working up the nerve to even write about. But we never labeled it, and the one time I tried to be dominate in bed (without having a label for it) he freaked out. A few years later he told me that he didn’t mind trying it again, and that he just wasn’t ready when I sprung it on him. But (to his disappointment) the damage had been done. I never tried any BD with him again and never mentioned my increasingly bizarre fantasies. I kept my fantasies locked tightly in my head and hid behind my computer. I wrote my first piece of erotica and published it on Literotica.com a few months ago and got overwhelmingly positive responses. I started reading tons of erotic books and would spend hours lost in the fantasy world where spanking, pulling, biting and being submissive were ok. I longed for alpha males and am realizing that I’ve always wanted to be dominated.
But it was my little secret. Until yesterday.
I honestly don’t know what came over me. Twenty four hours later, I’m still in shock and having a hard time remembering everything. I was mindlessly searching the internet and came across a blog by a woman who is in a happy relationship with her Dom. I read her entire blog in one sitting (that’s three years of posts, y’all), and couldn’t shake the feelings it brought out for me. She’s into the SM part of BDSM, but I was shocked that her writing what her husband did to her turned me on. A LOT. And what really shocked me was that they were doing the same things I read about in my books! *Gasp* Wait, supposedly well adjusted men and women did this stuff in REAL LIFE?
And so, after many hours of reading, watching videos and self-reflecting, I ‘came out’ to my husband. There were snot bubbles, blubbering and stuttering (all on my part) and amused looks (totally on his part) as I tried to explain that I must be a freak, because I belong to this group of people who don’t like NORMAL sex, but ‘kinky’ sex and I was scared. I told him I wanted to be dominated 24/7 and it was a turn on and I was sorry because he had a freak for a wife. I admitted I had no idea what all encompassed this type of sex and I was embarrassed that I, a well educated and articulate young woman, could not tell him exactly verbatim what I needed.
Husband laughed at me, pulled me close and told me ‘normal’ was overrated. He told me he loved me for who I am and admitted to watching some BDSM videos himself. If I wanted to be dominated, he was willing to play along. He even gave me a few gentle tester swats on the face to see if that did anything for me (it didn’t).
I suppose that should have soothed my nerves, but it didn’t. Because now I don’t know how to act with him. I’m sure he doesn’t know how to act with me, either. Where do you go from here? What does he do? How does he become the Dom I need and how do I embrace the Sub I’ve been hiding for so long? I’ve been trying to find the answer in others’ blogs and Fetlife, but so far I’m coming up with no real answers and a lot more questions.
Finally, this afternoon after being turned on (yet again…stupid libido) and not knowing how to ask Husband for what I need (do subs even ask??), I masturbated and then cried in the shower.
I’m afraid. There’s so much information out there. All of the terms, rules, etc. I know they’re just guidelines, but it’s so overwhelming. The last time I was this upset about self discovery, I learned I not only wasn’t a Christian, but my whole concept of God was different from the average Joe’s.
So after I wiped away my tears, I decided to sit down and start a blog of my own. Hopefully this will serve as the right medium for me to chronicle my journey, thoughts, and feelings as I explore this side of my sexuality.